Combat Film 019: The Wonderful world of Fan Critics… Part 2

A few months back, I took an affectionate look at the wonderful world of user comments & reviews from the world famous Internet Movie Database. This month I continue my look at Internet Critics, this time looking at those films that only a mother could love. Films that are so bad they are just, well bad. Well, at least for most people…

Catwoman is a terrible movie. Universally despised by all… well all except UK user kael-5 “…I had heard very negative things about the movie I thought it was a wonderful take on Catwoman and personally I feel that its one of the best movies Halle Berry has starred in yet.” So not her Oscar winning role in Monsters Ball then…

“…an awesome experience.”, “…this film is pure genius.”, “This movie rocked” and “This is my favourite movie of all time” could all be comments taken from the reviews of this years instant classic The Dark Knight. Could be but weren’t. Nope this heap of praise was reserved for that REAL classic action film… Jean-Claude Van Damme’s 1994 classic Street Fighter.

The Marksman, the 2005 little seen Wesley Snipes film was poorly received by both critics and fans. But there’s still love for the film on the IMDB, especially by user Myles Wackrow “Watch it! Watch it! if you like any kind of movies watch it. Best movie ever”

Moving on… now when it comes to Get Carter you’d expect to read comments like “It's a winner…“, “The film is a full blooded hit…” and “Beautiful photography, dizzying editing and camera angles…” Well you would. At least for the original. But these were written about the 2000 remake with Sly Stallone replacing Michael Caine, possible one of the worst remakes ever made.

Few people would argue that Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was great (or even good). Okay maybe Empire Magazine, that gave the film four stars on it’s original release but few others. Yet the IMDB has a lot of love for Lucas’s stillborn prequel… “It is highly entertaining, and a very nice example of how the best writers and directors and musicians and actors and supporters in the world can turn a large budget into a large film.” (user Randydeluxe)

Searching the whole world wide web there’s not much love at all for the last instalment of the American Ninja franchise, American Ninja V. “This fifth outing in the American Ninja series is just as fine as the others, I got just what I expected….” Although Norway resident user Chrnaess was on his own, even here on the IMDB were even some of the worst movies ever made can find some love (for the record American Ninja 5 was voted 62nd worst film of all time).

On the subject of Ninjas, former wrestler Hulk Hogan obviously needed a new bandana when he signed on to star in 3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain, a film that won’t trouble many peoples top films of all times lists. What’s even more scarier than the fact that 4,222 have taken time out of their short lives to watch this film is that IMDB user Jeffuary displays not even a hint of irony in his review of the IMDB’s 55th worst film ever made : “Every once in a while a film comes along that makes you glad to be alive. Cinema is a beautiful art form, and no cinema is more gorgeous than 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain.”.

Want more proof the some reviewers on the internet are just a review or two short of a padded room and white coats try these on for size: Batman & Robin “This is definitely one of the best no-brainer films of recent years… “, Kurt Russell uber flop Soldier “Entertaining, thought-provoking and exciting once the action starts!“ and even the terrible Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle “if you're into a fast and fun movie, filled with lots of action, noise and over-the-top scenes, then Charlie's Angels is for you!“

I guess one thing this all shows is that no matter how bad a movie is, somewhere in the world there is an audience for it and if the world can love Showgirls (scrub that even I loved Showgirls) maybe The Happening does stand a chance… okay maybe not!

Finally (and for balance) I thought why not take a look at the comments on feature film project that I worked on - the marmite of action films Left For Dead (dir: Ross Boyask, 2005). “Man this movie sucks I’m glad I didn't pay for it (netflix)…“ It’s fair to say that user Jourdanmc wasn’t a fan whilst user Mike Ellis from Tallahassee, FL has this to say “Don't watch this for action, don't watch it for acting, don't watch it for creativity, only watch it cause it overall it’s worse than any movie you've ever seen.”

Well you really cant please all the people, now can you….

For more check out the Internet Movie Database at www.imdb.com

Phil Hobden
Editor – Combat Film

Next Month: Wrestlers & Action Films

Phil Hobden is an independent filmmaker and freelance writer. His second film TEN DEAD MEN is now available to buy in the UK and he is currently developing his third feature film through his company Modern Life?, In addition he also writes for his own review site Phil’s Quick Capsule Review as well as for various websites and magazines including Impact Magazine and fareastfilms.com. For more on Phil Hobden check out www.philhobden.co.uk or www.mod-life.net

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Combat Film : The Reviews (Oct 09)

Also: Crank 2 ; Ichi; Ong Bak 2

Next Month: Terminator Salvation

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Combat Film 18 : High Kicking The Credit Crunch

Companies are closing left and right. The banks aren’t lending. Interest rates are falling and we are looming on the brink of a global depression. Times are officially rather tough.

But don’t fear, Combat Film is here to help. Through our hard work and dedicated research (read: walking up and down the high street on our lunch breaks) we’ve managed to find the Holy Grail for action fans, a Mecca of well priced entertainment. Ladies and gentlemen may I introduce… Poundland.

What? Stop laughing. I’m serious. See for the discerning film fan out there Poundland has a lot to offer, especially in these toughest of tough times. All at credit crunch busting price of just £1. Still don’t believe me… okay how about George A Romero’s classic NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, or Christian Bale & Michael Ironside in THE MACHINIST? The critically acclaimed CHOPPER or WHAT’S ESATING GILBERT GRAPE? How about SUPERSIZE ME, currently retailing at over £10 on Amazon and Play?

Ah so NOW I have your attention. Dig deeper and I can almost guarantee that they’ll be something for pretty much even the hardest to please action fan.

To start how about the 1989 Van Damme classic KICKBOXER? JCVD starred as Karl Sloane, a ringman for Champion Kickboxer and brother Eric. After the vicious Tong Po paralyzes Eric in the ring during a fight, Karl vows to defeat Tong Po. Cue training sequences, buffed men taking off their shirts and a bucket load of homo-erotic action sequences. All for the bargain basement price of just £1.

One of the most high profile release to grace the hallowed shelves of Poundland is the McG ‘classic’ CHARLIES ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE. Okay so I may be over selling that one a little but trust me the second Charlie’s Angels film is a lot better than you remember it and is at worst occasionally entertaining. And for a pound you could do far worse!

MCBAIN (1991) stars Michael Ironside, Christopher Walken and Maria Conchita Alonso. The fact that Michael Ironside co-stars seals the deal for me but having a tagline like “Taking on the drug lords is impossible. Taking on a country is insane” didn’t hurt either.

For fans of Richard Harrison (think: low rent Chuck Norris), the porn haired 70’s & 80’s action star, Poundland has on offer a veritable feast of his and Godfrey Ho’s special brand of low budget action films. NINJA TERMINATOR, NINJA DRAGON, NINJA THE PROTECTOR and NINJA DESTROYER are amongst the “better ones” but only in the same way that getting run over is only slightly better than being crushed by a tank. That said a few beers down these are hysterically fun and never les than entertaining. For those that doesn’t know direct Ho is considered somewhat of a master of B-movie Hong Kong actioners and pioneered a ‘cut & paste’ technique with his movies often filming scenes with an actor and using them over two or three movies, mixing it with unreleased Asian and Thia films and never worrying too much about a story or plot. Think Power Rangers without money. Oh and if your lucky some Poundland’s even have Ninja two packs. Two Ninja Movies for a pound! How could you possiblly resist?

Some people might jest that Poundland is just the right place (and price) for the still born sequel Keanu Reeves starring MATRIX RELOADED. Maybe it’s improved with age? Probably not but it could be worse… it could be Matrix Revolutions!

For those of you yet to make the jump to DVD or who are just those desperately clinging to their VHS collection in vein hope that one day they will be collectors items (they wont) can swell their shelves with such recentish titles as STAR WARS: ATTACK OF THE CLONES, ENEMY AT THE GATES and the rather very good Colin Farrell starring PHONE BOOTH. But really you should be looking at DVD’s now. This isn’t the 90’s anymore…

Poundland even caters for the horror fan with their Hardgore range including such titles as AQUANOIDS, TURKEY SHOOT and VAMPIRE KILLER BARBYS.

Finally if you want to see just how bad a movie can be, head over to the new range of Shaolin releases. DRESSED TO FIGHT, HEROES OF SHAOLIN, FATAL NEEDLES VS. FATAL FISTS, THE MASK OF VENGEANCE, THE GUY WITH SECRET KUNG FU, BLACK BELT JONES 2, RED LOTUS VS. LAMA and DEADLY SILVER SPEAR are available to name but a few. And yes they are all real films (check out the IMDB if you don’t believe me!). All presented in glorious Full Screen and looking like they were mastered on toilet paper.

That’s over 25 films for the cost of just one new shiny Blu Ray disk. So if your looking for a cheap present, a film to watch on an easy night in or just a bargain way to swell your DVD collection Poundland really could be the shop for you. How can you go wrong?

Phil Hobden
Editor – Combat Film

Phil Hobden is an independent filmmaker and freelance writer. His second film TEN DEAD MEN is now available to buy in the UK and he is currently developing his third feature film through his company Modern Life?, In addition he also writes for his own review site Phil’s Quick Capsule Review as well as for various websites and magazines including Impact Magazine and fareastfilms.com. For more on Phil Hobden check out www.philhobden.co.uk or www.mod-life.net

Combat Film : The Reviews (Sept09)

Also: Art Of War 3; far Cry; Taxi 4

Next Month: 50 Dead Men Walking; District 13: Ultimatum; Crank: High Voltage

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Combat Film : The Reviews (Aug 09)

Also: Good, The Bad & The Weird; Driven to Kill; Unbreakables

Next Month: Outlander; Never Surrender; Kambakkht Ishq

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Combat Film 017 : Kung Fu Kid

“Work pressures cause a single mother moves to China with her young son; in his new home, the boy embraces karate, taught to him by a master of the self-defence form.”

Sound familiar? It should. 80’s classic The karate kid is coming back. And this time with added Jackie Chan in the role as Mr Miyagi. I have to say that to start with the idea of this remake left me cold. I’d heard rumours but surely they couldn’t be true. Will Smith producing a version of the karate Kid for his son? Has to be a Harry Knowles BS rumour for sure? No. It appears not.

Believe it or not The Karate Kid holds a special place in my heart. Maybe it was because it was this film that encouraged my initial interest in martial arts. I don’t know… like Top Gun, Cannonball Run and other ‘guilty pleasure’ films on my shelves I just know that in my hour of need I can always turn to the 80’s movie that could. Personal thoughts aside about the original, I have a few different thoughts on this film that I want to share.

Firstly a general rant about the state of Hollywood and remakes. Most turn out to be hollow carbon copies of their original counterparts, without the charm or talent that made the original so endearing. This means that only a very few of these ‘re-imaginings’ or ‘remakes’ actually work. Dawn Of The Dead. Halloween. Ocean’s Eleven. These all came good because they took the original and added something different or new. There was also scope to tell a story that was similar to the original but different enough to be unique. But The Karate Kid? As a film it’s already Rocky light and it’s a story that we’ve seen in pretty much every sport since. What’s left? Bowls? (I can just imagine the voice over man in his deep husky Americana voice… “A man from the wrong side of the tracks. He just wants to bowl. But there’s a bigger fight he must take on first”)

This remake craze HAS TO STOP. Now. With films like Total Recall, They Live, Short Circuit and pretty much every horror film since 1976 in production, Hollywood seems happy to rob the grave of any title with a fan base. What next? Paul WS Anderson directs Zack Effron in… The Godfather.

My Second point is Jackie Chan and his career. Before I start I just want to prefix this by saying I am a massive fan of Chan. Police Story 2 changed my perception of action films forever. Armour of God, Project A, Police Story and even some of his really early films all sit pride of place in my DVD collection. But let’s face it, Chan has been on a dramatic career slide since the mid-nineties. About the same period he moved to Hollywood with highlights being pretty much just Rush Hour (yes that about a good a highlight as you can find). Gorgeous. New Police Story. The Accidental Spy. Who Am I? None can hold a candle to his early work. Chan once said he’d retire at 40. And I kinda wish he had because, a few okayish films of late aside, he’s in danger of doing an Elvis and finishing his career as a wash up shadow of his former self. And no true Chan fan wants to see that, surely?

Third and finally as a film. I still think that Mr Miyagi is a role that is more than just a character. Pat Morita was Mr Miyagi. Like Brando was The Godfather, and Eastwood Dirty Harry. He’s an iconic character played in an iconic way. Okay so Morita couldn’t do martial arts but hey you believed him. But Morita aside oddly this could work but it will depend on the tone the filmmakers take. If it is jokey and more like Chan’s other Hollywood films, this could end up as a train wreck of a project. But if they take it seriously, much like the producers of the original did, then maybe, just maybe it could open up a much maligned ‘classic’ to a whole new audience. And it may just do the same for the movie also…

I guess only time will tell. At the moment the film is going under the title of ‘Kung Fu Kid’ and is being produced by Will Smith (with his son Jaden starring) and written by the writer of ‘In the Pursuit of Happiness’. Which is odd. Anyway guess we’ll find out when the film arrives in 2010.

Phil Hobden
Editor – Combat Film

Phil Hobden is an independent filmmaker and freelance writer. His second film TEN DEAD MEN is now available to buy in the UK and he is currently developing his third feature film through his company Modern Life?, In addition he also writes for his own review site Phil’s Quick Capsule Review as well as for various websites and magazines including Impact Magazine and fareastfilms.com. For more on Phil Hobden check out www.philhobden.co.uk or www.mod-life.net

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Combat Film : The Reviews (July 09)

Also: Death Bet

Next Month: Good, The Bad & The Weird; Driven to Kill; Unbreakables
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